Alcohol, Disappointments & Varsity Debating: Life Under Shadows

by Terence A. Anthony

I remember vividly when I was up on stage for the Royals Debating Championship in 2013. The organizers thought it was a good idea to bring everyone on stage when announcing the champions. When it was announced we lost the debate, I broke down to tears. My team mate, Rafiq who normally was the most cheerful person even in the direst of situations was also reduced to tears. It wasn’t a matter of losing. It was a matter of public humiliation. So instead of staying on stage for the next few minutes awkwardly crying in a suit as a grown man, I went backstage. It did not go unnoticed.

I’ve lost count on how many times I cried with a beer in my hand, in the middle of a club after break announcements. I remember being in Chennai, India walking around with a beer bottle, about to confront the judge who gave me the lost. The team that won that last debate made it through. Good thing my senses came to me, since violent interactions defeats the purpose competitive debating.

Unlike my other team mates that I worked with in my batch, many took similar events better than me and became better debaters. Rafiq, along with another team mate of mine, Mifzal went on to win the Asians BP in 2014. The following year, Mifzal, Jay and Jasmine, all three I have worked with before managed to get to the finals of Asians. Jasmine and Mifzal won the Cambridge IV in 2015 and then became legends by breaking 2^nd at the 2016 edition of the World University Debating Championship in Greece.

All this was filtered through glasses of rum and black label at a new year’s party ran by other debaters. Everyone I knew were making splashes while I was in a room with the stench of alcohol, writing about mourning and depression. Jasmine, Mifzal and another friend of mine, Muayyad managed to reach the finals of Asians. I struggled to break in these tournaments and even then, I get knocked out in the Quarters. Never went beyond that.

As much as I was happy for their achievements, I often felt that I was living under their shadows. I was roughly in the same debate development regime as them yet I did not grow with it. The things that they took as lessons, especially from the hard hitting losses we faced, it took me longer to process them. Maybe it was the alcohol. Maybe it was my arrogance. Maybe because I was surrounded by debating superstars on a daily basis, I felt entitled. Maybe it was my attitude of trying to see of how my ideas could win the debate instead of seeing why my ideas didn’t convince others. I was replaying the debate inside my head, not dissecting the debate as how it happened.

Everywhere I went and talk about UT MARA, I have this dreaded feeling that my name wouldn’t be uttered in the same sentence. I am not the face of the club. I was the background in a poster, an NPC to the player. What was my legacy in this burgeoning debating scene?

However as time pass by, I started realizing that the line of thinking I had was egoistical. I had the false equivalency of my position in the debating scene to my worth. I was being surrounded by the best in Australasia and definitely, the world. I failed to see how that position in itself was of value. My focus was a selfish position where I wanted to be in the finals, forgetting the value that I had around me. I often forget to judge my position relative to the achievement to others. While I was not the best speaker from the club my skills were definitely a far cry from where I started. Consumed by what I thought was inadequacy; I forgot that these were the intelligent minds I could exchange ideas with. How many people have that opportunity? The problem is that I never took the moment to celebrate that.

Sure, I’ve had trainers implying that I was worth less as a person if I don’t achieve all these remarkable things, I failed to also see the false rat race they pushed me too.

I took a hiatus from competitive debating a few months back. It was mainly because I wanted to help other younger debaters instead. Again, it might be the lack of alcohol and me sobering up in life but it felt like a liberating decision. These championships and the glory that come with it are temporary. The learning process that happened throughout my journey never ended though. I was still the current issue obsessed man, still sharing opinion pieces and explanatory articles into our facebook group.

Am I living under the shadow of great people? Maybe? Is it necessarily a bad thing? No, but I should stop being so egoistical to see it as so.